Life-Giving Goodness

Life-giving Goodness February 15 2010


Love is like a cup of goodness –

A beverage brimming with life-enhancing power.

It nurtures, nourishes, relaxes.

We hold it in its cup between both hands,

Inhaling its warm caress, its delicious savor --

Feeling strong, beautiful, enriched.

When we taste its nectar,

Everything within us opens, grateful.

We become the best that we can be.



Reflection

We are designed to follow love, to do all we need to do to be right there and feel its warmth, its radiance. When Ellen and I had met and realized that we could love each other generously and happily, we wilted when we had to go back, each to her own place on opposite coasts. We quickly started moving back and forth together. This was anything but convenient. Each of us put our whole life on hold for the time spent in the other’s environment. I was at that time a student in homeopathy school and had a part-time college teaching job, having retired from 33 years as a professor. Every moment I was not teaching during those first months, I was in New York with Ellen, having shlepped a suitcase full of homeopathic reference books across the country; she was with me in California between school holidays.

Of course, at every moment we were not together we were glued to our then-new cell phones. We learned all the dead spaces where calls would suddenly drop. There was a spot at the end of the Caldecott Tunnel between Berkeley and the town of Orinda, near the college. There was another spot during the last mile before I reached the college – a rural road leading through beautiful countryside. We contoured our conversations to reach lulls when approaching these known holes in the cell system. “Oops, I’m passing the Claremont Hotel…” – a spectacular resort hotel in the Berkeley hills. Within two minutes I’d be at the other end of the Caldecott Tunnel, and the phone would suddenly go silent for several miles. Or Ellen would be walking along East 12th street in Manhattan and reach University Place, another sudden “phone hole.” It was a strange map with which to get acquainted.

I’d forgotten till recently the enormous logistical challenge of merging two households when we were both older, each with a complete set of furnishings, utensils, art work, and other belongings – each having enough to fill a good sized house and more. Each of us also liked the things we had. These objects had stories and memories attached to them. Neither one of us was especially keen to let loose of those things we treasured. Over months and years, we managed to negotiate household furnishings so that most of what was in our house consisted of pieces we’d bought together. But we never succeeded in paring down either kitchen utensils or office supplies – obviously types of objects for which we both felt a strong attachment. To this day, two houses later, our home still holds two lifetimes’ worth of office supplies, as well as enough dishes, party items, and cooking and serving utensils to furnish a hotel kitchen.

We also both liked to dress attractively, with good variety. We liked the same styles and manufacturers, and wore the same size. Together, with clothes for different seasons, we filled three closets – an excess. It’s been very hard to pare down the clothing inventory since Ellen died. I really liked a lot of her clothes as well as my own, and they look good on me. There are too many of them, and I sort through them item by item, deciding with difficulty which I must keep and which I may persuade myself to pass along to someone else who will enjoy and appreciate them. It’s a long, tedious process.

Now, I am reaching a time to change my life once more, a time to change the space in which I live so that it’s once again appropriate for one person. My biggest job will be figuring out how to sort out what to keep and what to give back to the universe for someone else’s use. I’m eager to start – again. Ellen left this house sixteen months ago. I’m preparing now to define my life for the next stretch. Even though I’ve given away a lot of items in the last year, I still need to pare down possessions by about 50%. This will be a very interesting – and challenging -- process. Perhaps I should start with the office supplies and the kitchen utensils!

As I rediscover love, I also look forward to reconfiguring the logistics of my life so that it will be possible to move into its next phase unencumbered, ready to welcome new and enjoyable experiences.



How It Was a Year Ago – January 2009:



Whom Do I Love? January 5 2009

What was the spark that lit

Undying love,

Blended our two souls as one,

Revealing soulmates?

We expanded limits,

Sacrificing all

To reach uncommon joy.



As I shed tears for you,

Am I longing for the

Flash of God I saw?.

Is that what linked us, lured us?

Were we drawn to timeless light, unearthly glow?

Is it you I love, or the Divine?


PARADIGM SHIFTING January 9, 2009

In your first e-mail to me,

You stated you had

“No fixed ideas how things should be”—

Creative spirit, you spoke truth.

Together, we thought easily, solved problems quickly.

We shifted paradigms with glee.

It was exhilarating, sometimes frightening.

Arm in arm, matching strides,

We changed our lives, moved, married, bought, sold, remodeled,

Learned, shared, taught, traveled, healed –

Forward steps with few skipped beats.

Decisive. Sure. Eager.

Like children still, despite our years.

You even died decisively, with grace.

As I live my grief, I can change focus,

Move on with energy,

Rejoicing deeply --

Or remain cheerless.

Or both.

Joy can survive with sadness.

We can proceed together,

Still celebrating love.



Objects January 20 2009

I’m still cleaning cupboards,

Finding objects that were hidden in the back.

I stumbled on the “one-handed cutting board,”

Bristling with spikes and clips so food would not elude your knife.

I’ve unearthed dressing sticks and reachers everywhere,

And clamps and clasps and strings and gadgets

To pin things down, fix them in place.



These tools that helped replace one lifeless hand

Evoke for me your hidden rage at life’s unfairness--

Feeling small when needing help.

Yet others never saw your pain

Because, head high, you used one hand as two so no one saw.

I only really understood your lifelong struggle

When, finally, with age, your “good” hand failed too.


Props and Costumes January 11, 2009

I step into your closet,

Full of unused stuff,

And realize these are all costumes,

Props for “Earthly Life -- The Play.”

What will you wear for the day’s role –

Overalls, sweats, a blazer, a sheer jeweled jacket?

Will you choose a necklace or a scarf? Earrings?



Acquiring and tending to these objects

Was serious work, consuming life and energy.

As I contemplate this wardrobe full of choices,

I wonder why they seemed so vital,

When now -- suddenly -- so useless.