Endings and Beginnings

Graduating October 24 2010


I sat in church this morning – the church I’d felt I had to leave

To fully live within my changing life.

I haven’t been there for a bit.

Both the ministers are leaving.

This was their last day

Before they move along on their respective paths

To find whatever’s next.

I sat among my old church family,

The teardrops flowing.

I hate good-byes!

It was like a graduation – an important ending --

Doors closing so we can’t turn backwards.

Once a door shuts, there’s no choice but to go on,

To find an open one

Where beckons new unfolding,

Shepherding us closer yet to Love and Light,

Bringing greater joy and satisfaction.

Like new graduates, we’ve done the course,

Learned the lessons,

Received diplomas.

No matter how it’s felt, we’ve found success.

We exit, wandering scholars in this course called “life.”

Reflection

Today reminded me of other “graduations” – not the academic ones that have added worldly initials after my name, but the ones whose hard lessons have solidified for me essential new insights on the way to discovering what life is really about – learning all the different ways in which my ego is an obstacle to joy, an illusion obstructing the Truth of infinite life and love. From entering the convent at 16, through being kicked out at 19, learning to live in a different country, deciding to return to my homeland, getting married, becoming a mother, developing a professional career, losing my job, becoming ill, having my daughter leave the nest, leaving my next job and my marriage simultaneously, becoming a homeopath, living and then losing my partnership with Ellen, and now, starting a new relationship, shifting into new communities, and studying for yet another professional role – each beginning and each ending has brought new challenges, new joys, new sorrows, new insights, and, finally, new endings and beginnings. Beginnings and endings seem essential aspects of this earthly life, which can be seen as a series of learning opportunities. At each one, I feel sadness, then curiosity and excitement, and finally the joy of discovering my new place and new ways of being. May everyone who shared today participate in these joyful outcomes as they leave behind what has been.

I wrote the following poem at the ending/ beginning that occurred almost two years ago, after Ellen had died, and I was submerged in deep mourning. It was another difficult moment of graduation.

New Year’s Eve December 31 2008

I’m watching “Live from Lincoln Center”:

They’re interviewing Loren Maazel.

Maestro Maazel observes, about his retirement,

“Life is all about Beginnings and Endings.”

This New Year’s Eve marks the end --

The last hours

Of the last year I shared with Ellen.

And it signals a beginning –

The first moments

Of what I will be this next time “when I grow up”--

My graduation from a course in love, with Ellen as my teacher,

Ushers in my soul’s time now to unfurl and soar, alone.

Late Evening

Late Evening October 21 2010


The sun long gone,

I look outside in pale moon glow,

Cool and clear this autumn eve.

My mind is quiet, lids begin to sag,

The dogs are snoozing at my feet.

I reflect upon this day.

From morning’s struggle to awake,

It blasted off, sweeping me along, entrained

In its breathless rhythm of events –

Meeting, erranding, phoning, working, eating, smiling love.

I feel glad that now,

My breathing slowed to match the gentle canine snores,

I can pause to be, to smile, to pray, to thank –

To feel the joy of living on this splendid earth

And vibrate to the pulse of loving in the great Divine.

Reflection

All of life is vibration – pulsing, moving, changing, harmonizing or maybe clashing. I saw a documentary the other evening, and have been processing it since then. It discussed the role of language in our perceptions of reality. Our Indo- European languages sit atop nouns and their relation to other nouns – people, places, things. Other languages, such as those of some Native Americans express the actions, states, and layers of experiencing. In these languages, the constant multi-dimensional movement of existence stands foremost. Instead of person, time and space, these languages express many other dimensions such as agency, relationship, sequence, rhythms, patterns. They mainly use verbs, juxtaposing and linking them through grammar

. As I was watching the video, I was contemplating the still life of carefully arranged and balanced books arranged on the shelves above the television set. It was an exquisite composition of delicately chosen objects. I was trying to envision not the objects themselves but their whirling molecules, influenced by all those who had made, read, possessed, or moved them at any time and constantly interchanging, repulsing, and merging with each other. It presented a real challenge, because my mind is conditioned -- by my acculturation into an Indo-European language -- to see stasis and objective reality . Both nouns and verbs, of course, possess validity. They just present opposing ways of experiencing life.

 In writing this poem, I tried to “verb” as much as possible – to create an impression, to the extent that I could -- of the perpetual motion that we and our surroundings represent at a non-physical level of existence – the soul-realm.

Feral Moment

Autumn Night October 15 2010



Who Who Who WHO WHO who WHO!!!

I own the night!

Wake up and listen.

Feel your feral self –

That wild sense of domination or of fear.

Through the still dark air

I call out – clear clarion of nature --

Beckoning to your untamed self –

Come reclaim your unity with all.


Reflection:

At 2 am, the barred owl called, its voice resounding from all directions. I bolted up, wondering what it was. So loud and clear, could it possibly be an owl? The dog leapt out of bed, and started barking wildly, demanding to go outside. Once out there, in sentinel pose, she barked unceasingly, no longer aware of me trying to shush her lest she wake the neighbors. Bred of 3,000 years of human companionship, she had suddenly become a wild canid, all senses tuned to the call of nature, participating fully in the wild, within her fenced back yard. A thrill ran through my veins as I too felt the wonder of this disembodied voice commanding my awakening. Will the Angel Gabriel’s horn at the end of time feel so electrifying?

La Danse

La Danse August 28 2010


We've become the heartbeat of the universe.

The rhythm’s regular and strong.

The drums and fiddles carry on

As dancers crowd the floor, moving

Swiftly to the pulse– dipping, gliding, springing –

We’re all entranced together,

Our bodies driven, minds cocooned, hearts enlaced.

We’ve become as one –

A single multi-headed millipede --

Swirling, passionate, conjoined.



Reflection

Last night, we enjoyed an exhilarating evening of Cajun music, played by masters. Not only was the performance enthralling, the room was filled with swirling dancers who two-stepped giddily, number after number. It was a hypnotic scene, a form of collective trance, a time of transcendence. Great music, of whatever kind, can do that for us – transport us beyond our gravity-dependent, normally sluggish relationship with the earth to an experience of utter unity with all. I had spent two weeks once, many years ago, on a music tour in which the principal musician had also participated. We had liked each other, enjoyed each other. We had not stayed in touch. It was fascinating last night, 35 years later, to see this person again, to see reflected in him the weight of those years on my own being.

Surrender

Surrender August 25 2010


Surrender, giving up,

Knowing that I can’t succeed,

Eating “ ‘Umble Pie.”

I’ve tried and tried and tried again

To be good – to seek perfection.

I’ve always thought I had to do it all myself,

To make everything work smoothly.

But then the moment’s come

When I’ve known it’s more than I can do.

If I stop the struggle, giving up.

Will I despair, thinking that’s the end?

If so, it won’t work either.

I’ll be overcome by grace, by help, and love.

I’ll be all right.

Why did I struggle so? Why have I fought again and then again?

When will I learn that surrendering my pride --accepting help--

Brings true reward? – That it’s the way my life’s supposed to be?



REFLECTION

I’m still a novice at humility, obviously. Where did I get that idea, that everything is up to me? Is it the legacy of being a conscientious oldest daughter with a sick mother? It’s so easy for me to believe I have to do everything better, faster, and smarter than anyone else. It’s like a mirage in the dessert – totally convincing that it’s real until the moment comes to try to drink from the non-existent oasis. It's a false premise. 

When I subscribe to that illusion of total responsibility for doing things perfectly,  life becomes a struggle. Surrendering this foolish image of myself and accepting that help is always at hand if I just reach out and request it brings such joy and relief. Just because I put things on my own to-do list doesn’t mean there’s any sense to judging myself against that list.

I can think of surrender as groveling in shame because I couldn’t do everything perfectly and on time according to my self-imposed expectations. Within this paradigm, I will be miserable. Or I can conceive of it as joyful acceptance – letting go into the loving help of God, which will bring joy and serenity. Which path do I choose today? And today? And today? -- The choice is always there to make, right now.

Moments

Living in the Moment Aug 23 2010


Each moment brings its own surprises –

Something lost that renders all impossible,

The smile of a friend expressing love,

Someone being where I didn’t plan for him,

A kind gesture offering solace, source of grace,

A mood that dashes hope and happiness and feels like abandonment,

A child’s joyful story-sharing.



I walk along the shore of life --

The beach where memories collect--

Sombered by this flotsam of my expectations of today –

Shattered trash or shiny little treasures strewn about the sands and rocks by

Ever restless minutes -- rushing, waning, changing what they bring and what they take.

The next may bring a new elation --

I leave my expectations open, ready once again to soar.

Reflection

The feelings elicited by the passing moments resemble restless, scudding clouds racing across a clear, sparking sky. An unanticipated distraction means my calendar has disappeared and can’t be found anywhere. I feel lost without knowing what appointments and commitments I’ve made. But then, just seconds later, my day is graced by the love of someone close – a momentary burst of glory, equally unexpected. I go to the DMV office to replace my missing driver’s license, only to find a standing room only crowd with a predicted four hour waiting time when the office will close in three hours. But then my disappointment is countered by a kind official providing me with the information I will need to replace the license online without having to come back and wait another day. A long-anticipated meeting to plan a ceremony produces lingering anxiety and tension, leading to the chance for deeper love and understanding. A day passes like that, intermingling unexpected moments of joy and disappointment. It reminds me of the fascinating mix of objects, covered in left-over foam and sand or interlaced with seaweed and string, that a stroll along the beach provides for careful examination – the yield changing with every tide as the mixture of unexpected experiences morphs with each day and hour. Life is never dull!

Vacation Trip

Re-entry August 23 2010


We travel up, away, into new orbits, new excitement.

Seeing endless promise, new perspectives --

Wonderfully exciting, satisfying,

Like astronauts, we walk in space,

Freed from gravity of duty, schedules, daily chores.

But re-entry looms.

We draw close, approaching splash down,

Then, relinquishing adventure’s quest,

Take back our daily cares,

Re-inhabiting our old small tasks and spaces,

We are, however, changed, enlarged,

Forever liberated just a little ,

Having seen and felt infinity.



Reflection:

Summer is a time to travel, to expand, to rest and feel free. On vacation trips, we try on different realms of life as if traveling to outer galaxies. Nancy and I just returned from a trip to visit family, and discovered an opportunity, in Huntsville, AL, to see a variety of actual space shuttles and to learn about the astronauts’ experiences. The films taken from the Hubble and the spacecraft that traveled to service it were awe-inspiring – a true glimpse of an apparently infinite universe. What a different scale from our normal earthbound perspective! And yet, like the astronauts, though experiencing a few days without the weight of daily schedules and concerns, we soon found ourselves touching down back at home, needing to face again the too-long to-do lists that we’d abandoned for a few days. It’s good to get a reminder occasionally that weightlessness exists, and to learn again to just be, without constantly having to perform and produce.