Saturday, October 31, 2009

Words of Love

Words October 30 2009

The words I say and write

To comfort others,

Where do they come from?

I have to trust these thoughts

That bubble up and out,

Like sweet water from a soothing fountain;

They seem summoned by some thirst within the other.

They extend themselves, a gift from Love to one in need.

I’m so blessed to give them voice!

With each thought, I feel like a small child

Who’s been allowed to hold,

For a precious moment,

Something rare and beautiful.

I’m in awe.



Reflection

We are incredibly blessed—all of us-- to love each other, to perceive and respond to that which requires consolation, holding, and acceptance. With each genuine, open contact, we re-experience God, universal Love. With each new person, we know God better. We have encountered one more spark of the creator and have fallen a little more in love. As I think of you, my Love,  and what drew me to you instantly when we first met, it was your ability to see who someone was below the surface, and to love immediately. This caused you much pain, because often people didn’t return the love. The caring that bubbled instantly from you upon meeting someone new was the “magic ingredient” explaining why so many people knew immediately, upon making your acquaintance, that they had met someone extraordinary. Many, even among those who met you in your last weeks, were deeply impressed.

Tribute to Ellen from a friend, November 2008








"In the end, there is only one thing you need to know about this amazing, courageous, extraordinary woman...she was my friend."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Daggers

Lost and Found October 29 2009


We leave behind us, scattered on life’s path,

Possessions, cherished friendships,

Images of who we are and what we have.

Some losses are like catastrophic landslides,

Blocking roads forever, forcing detours,

Weighing down our forward progress,

Making mountains where none had appeared before.

We slowly pick our way

Through their debris, our dismay, the added burdens.

But as we go along, we also find new treasures.

We make new memories, embracing what we’ve learned.

We emerge as other selves – different than we’d planned,

But estimable nonetheless.

“Lost” and “Found” – milestone markers on our road through life.



Reflections

As I ponder the nature of my grief from losing you, I see how, as you always said, each time we grieve, it’s for all our past losses.

I think about how some of these past losses, as your death has done, stopped me in my tracks and took years to move beyond. Being sent away from the convent haunted me for a decade or more. All I could think of was how I longed to go back. I dreamed of becoming a nun again. I felt cheated, deadended. The life I'd planned was not going to happen, and I grieved its loss.

I went on living. I learned much, becoming steeped in French culture, and then, having returned to the US, getting married, starting my teaching career, having a daughter. But it took hypnotherapy to allow me to revisit my grief within what felt like a safe framework, to spend time feeling it, and, finally to accept it and let it rest.

Nevertheless, I remained very attached to preserving my own sense of who I was in this new setting. I experienced similar deep grief again when I was laid off with no chance of continuing in my chosen career as a French professor. There was no market for foreign languages or foreign language teachers in the late 70s in the Midwest. I became a teacher of writing instead, because that was the opportunity that existed. I hated it for several years, before finally starting to find ways to express myself and to make what I was doing meaningful for myself and others.

One good friend died, and I dreamed of her for years. Slowly, my grief became less immediate, but she still occasionally visits me in dreams. Each time, her visits provide deep consolation and incredible peace. I awake longing to have her with me again. It happened again last night. We had loved each other in the early 1960s. This is 2009, almost 50 years later! Love really never dies. 

Another friend died, and then another. Renewed grief, and more people who console me deeply when they visit in a dream.

A sense of failure when I had to take early retirement because I was burned out and worn out – more dreams of going back, with repeated lack of success. More years.

Grief for a marriage that had not worked, no matter how hard we had both tried for decades.

And now, my grief for losing you, in which I sometimes feel desolate, abandoned, standing tattered, by myself in an endless wasteland -- frightened, vulnerable, scared of what will happen to me alone.

I also shared your griefs while we were together – your grief for past lost relationships and for the strength that allowed you to develop your uniquely compassionate and demanding career; your overwhelming lifelong grief about being disabled, marginalized, gay, having to fight to be understood and accepted, straining under the burden of "feeling like a freak,” of having to hide your real feelings, struggling always to keep up, having it take twice as long for you to do what everyone else seemed to do in half the time with half the effort, because you only had half the number of hands as most others. I shared your grief at losing your ability to do anything you wanted with your one arm, making it “work like two,” as your “good shoulder” wore out and gave way.

Our grief at your impending death -- which would separate us when we both desperately wanted to remain together—was shared. It was ours, not yours or mine. And then, unexpectedly, after we had prepared together for so long for your death, I was knocked into shock when you actually left.

I am moving on, and it will still take years before the sharp edge of this grief has softened somewhat, before your memory will mellow into deep joy on the few occasions when you visit with me in a dream.

This time is also different. I have a life’s experience with grief. I know that even though it plunges daggers into me regularly, the blades don’t do permanent damage. In becoming used to the dagger thrusts, I am also finding new insights and new depths of joy, paradoxically. I know that, as we changed each other’s souls irrevocably during our time together, we will remain deeply connected. You are still with me. I can go on with my own life as our engagement with each other continues. I am becoming more comfortable with this new person I’ve become through your influence. Your gifts to me bear fruit.

And I’m also actively seeking to learn all I can from our love for each other and from the miraculous time we were blessed to have with each other. I'm no longer content to wait passively just for the occasional random dream. 

Rosemary: Is Love aCruel Prank? November 14 2008, nine days after Ellen’s death

OK – Let’s see how this works.

We need other people.

We need love.

It’s more important than anything.

When we develop friendship, companionship, relationship – we feel happy and fulfilled.

Our life curls comfortably around our connection with the Other,

Which is really a connection with our Self and with the Divine --

With all of universal love.

We share suffering, joy, laughter, waking and sleeping, relaxing.

Then our life gets yanked away – the Other dies.

We sit in shock, wondering how to go on. Our life is broken.

Something doesn't make sense.

If love is not forever, why do we experience it?

It renders our life splendid, worthwhile -- But then it seems to end!

Is this a cruel prank, or does love continue?



Reflection October 29 2009 —Continuation…

The first anniversary of your death will happen next week. As I’ve pondered it, and wondered how I would endure, my concerns have softened, and I’m actually looking forward to marking a milestone, and to moving into the deeper sense of joy and connection that will undoubtedly result, as it has each time I’ve looked into this chasm and taken a deeper love away.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Power of Many

Unison October 27, 2009


I step out on the porch.

The air is pulsing, living, densely packed with sound --

Hundreds of voices saturating space

In depth and breadth, as if

I’d stepped into the middle of a

Choir praising God with all its strength.

The woods have come alive with creature energy;

I feel its vibrancy; I feel ready to take flight.

Suddenly, as one, a thousand small black birds

Rise from the ground and from the trees.

They’d been invisible,

But now the air is black with their united rush.

They’re connected as one being;

A thousand tiny hearts thump fast, as wingbeats stir the air.

Each tiny, fragile bird has merged into this one transcendent tide

Answering the season’s call to migrate.

I ponder the wondrous energy and song

If a thousand human souls would act together as one person

To move in unison toward God and love.



Reflection:

Transcendent moments are gifts to us humans. We so often go about our lives focused on the physical dailiness of small, mundane tasks – getting dressed, taking out the trash, preparing and consuming food, getting where we need to go, answering the telephone. Yet, we are surrounded by divine diversity. We share the earth with a densely packed and interwoven creation, whose warp and woof is divine energy in all its forms. We forget to notice, to let our spirits soar with this love of which we are a part. How can we get so focused on ourselves, when the love enfolding us is so overwhelmingly, breathtakingly beautiful? We just need to open our minds to consciousness and step out into its midst. My Love, your mind and mine had already converged, even before we had met in this life -- probably even before we came into this life. 


Ellen: Bridging the Gap

Can I coalesce

Sacred and mundane

With words?


Can the passion of desire

To know the Absolute

Be translated into syllables?



How can this unmeasurable energy

Be traced on paper?


Ellen Scheiner, October 4, 1995

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Alchemy

Rosemary: Autumn Trees October 25 2009

Suddenly, Fall colors – ochre, crimson, gold, magenta.

As time for dormancy approaches

The trees drop green pretence

And show us the true radiance of their being.

We too, as life’s end nears,

Let the spirit love shine through,

Illuminating our real nature,

Increasing consciousness.

We awaken glowingly

Before we sleep.



Reflection: to Ellen: Perhaps we learn only toward the end of life the glorious spirit that it’s our mission on earth to manifest. Within your last months, we all saw you glowing, radiating love and light around you. We thought that, miraculously, you were getting better. You were, of course, but not in the way we thought. You were joyful and energetic. It seemed that the cancer no longer held sway over you. Of course, it didn’t, because you were preparing to leave your body. You were already transitioning to the life of spirit. You had forgiven, you had detached yourself from sorrow, you had released all anger and fear. You were visibly becoming transcendent. We saw and felt this, and we rejoiced. But we missed the point, except in hindsight. If we’d realized what we were seeing, we would have been sad for ourselves, but we would also have felt joyful for you, as you prepared to leave suffering behind and move out of this earthly life to the spirit realm. You were a lightning rod for the love that gives life as your love showed forth and your life was transformed. Love is synonymous with joy, and the more we experience it, the better.



Rosemary: Puppy Love October 25 2009

Outside a grocery store, a bench sits empty,

Till an older woman with a dog –

A Shar-pei puppy, full of wrinkles –

Slowly comes to it and sits.

She puts the puppy on her lap,

And quietly regards the parking lot.

The puppy’s like a magnet.

Strangers come from all directions,

Smile at the woman,

Chat a bit,

Pet the puppy and then smile more

Before they leave, their happiness enhanced.



The puppy brings out love and friendship,

As if it’s sprinkling sparkle dust on everyone.

The puppy’s like a lightning rod,

Conducting smiling energy, creating joy.

Love engenders more love, always –

A golden. blissful alchemy.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Unity



Rosemary: Vibes October 24 2009


The universe is dense with energetic waves –

Ineffable allness – chords, prisms, knowingness –

Blended sight and sound and feeling,

We too participate.

Our sadnesses, our joys, our gifts and our compassion

All play this giant instrument,

Plucking strings we cannot sense —

Wrapped in the divine vibration we call Love.



Reflection – To Ellen:

I’m trying – not very successfully -- to stretch my tiny imagination so it can encompass a magistral symphony of which I am part of one chord. You, my Bubbe, are another note in the same chord. It’s easier to feel the awe and wonder of contributing to that one complex vibration than it is to evoke the total symphony that is God, Universal Love. Yet, besides being the individual notes that we can imagine, we are also inseparable elements in the allness of the universe. It matters not that you are in spirit, and I am still embodied. Our souls still resonate with each other. You shed tears of compassion for my sorrow and loneliness, even though you are now enjoying the peace of spirit-life. My heart still throbs with love for you as yours does for me. You and I both regret that you had to leave while I had to stay. We each had to follow that destiny. We had agreed. This was our plan. I need your help from the spirit realm to fulfill my present destiny. So it is. I am grateful for our unity, which was and will be, forever.




Ellen: Betrothed

I cleave unto you

As I cleave.

Unto my soul..

A pure shining light

Which never

Has failed me.


3/14/01

Friday, October 23, 2009

Love Tributes

Au revoir Adieu October 22 2009


In French class, long ago

We learned when to use the

Two French words that mean “Good-bye.”

Our teacher said that “Au revoir” was

“I’ll see you later”

One used “Adieu,” In contrast,

When farewells were final – from now on.

In my teenaged innocence, I thought,

“Oh! So the only one I need to know is ‘Au revoir.’

The other one’s archaic, though it’s good to know.”

Now, I look back and laugh, sardonically.

I had it wrong. “Adieu” is the hard lesson that one learns

In older age – a mandate to let go, accept, and still go on.

Life now revolves around “Adieu,”

Forever more.

Rosemary’s Reflection:
Ellen’s and my similar life experiences in French-speaking parts of Europe – I in France and she in Switzerland – played an important role in shaping our way of thinking so that we could understand each other, despite coming from different ethnic backgrounds. Ellen studied medicine for three years and graduated as a doctor from the Universite de Lausanne, in Switzerland. I studied linguistics and psychology for three years at the universities of Toulouse, then Nancy, in France.

I often realized that sometimes Ellen and I were actually using English words but French meanings and French sentence structures. Very few people would have been able to use these conversational forms. But they were for us like a shared native language, a unique hybrid background that drew us together.

In addition, Ellen had a wonderful talent for making clever trans-lingual puns. She, for instance, coined the nickname “Romarin” for me. Romarin is the French word for the herb we call “rosemary.” But the name “Rosemary” in French – rarely used – would be said “Rose-Marie.” Another complex inter-lingual pun she created played on the English irregular plural of mouse as “mice.” In French, she pluralized the word “epouse” (spouse) as “deux epices.” – a plural form alien to French. She also used the same pun in English – “one spouse – two spice.” In the last month before she died, Ellen sent me a Facebook message that I treasure. Next to a photo of her waving in the distance, standing in the surf at Monterey, CA, she wrote, prophetically, that she was sending me “an infinite supply of hugs” and signed herself “L’epouse de deux epices.” I did not receive this message until after she had died. Here is a poem she wrote using "deux epices" between our wedding in Massachusetts and her death:

Deux epices

Quivering hearts

Know what is true.

Our love will last

Beyond us.

(Poem from Ellen, 9/20/08)

Again, her tone was prophetic, referring to the approaching moment of our separation.



Rosemary: What I would Do October 24 2009

If you were here,

I’d give to you a

Riotous bouquet of memories,

Loving thoughts,

Whispered words,

Expressions of enduring love,

Forever bonding.

I’d reach to touch your hand and stroke your hair,

And sit right next to you so we could hug each other.

I’d bask, smiling, in the light and warmth

Of your affection.

I’d say my truth, That we are destined for forever love.


But you’re not here – you’re there, and I am here alone.

Yet, I will collect the flowers of my love,

And give them to you every day from now till when we meet again.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Special Moments

Spirit Breath October 18 2009


I feel spirit stirring,

Like wind blowing through the leaves –

A shiver here; over there a dance –

Swinging, swaying, top to bottom,

Fluttering like angel wings.

The breath of spirit brushes through my soul,

And joy erupts.



Reflection: As I was looking out the window, the trees were moving in the wind. As so often happens, little breezes were ruffling different parts of a tree, then the air was still again. I had never realized before that wind in the trees could be so particular, so limited in its extent. What a lovely, variable performance! As I continued to watch, the only movements for a few moments were two large leaves flapping together, opening then closing, as we would imagine angels’ wings might do. It felt like a special, privileged moment. Who’s to say that there were no angel wings, and that the wind was not the breath of spirit?



Being a Prayer October 18 2009

I experience in body and in soul.

I feel.

I think.

I smile.

I frown.

I breathe.

I rest.

I let go.

I love.

I AM.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Awakening

Rosemary: Heartsong October 21, 2009

I woke up this morning grateful –

Thankful for the breathing canine body next to mine;

We need so much to share this basic sign of life,

To know another respires with us --

Aware that we are not all by ourselves.

I felt glad for waking up pain free,

For the opportunity to move my muscles,

Walk about, pull aside the curtains,

Feel the sun's warmth and see its light,

Hear the morning FM music,

Rejoice in life around us in the woods outside. 

I knew myself a blessed child of the universe,

As I was meant to be.

My heart sang.



Rosemary: Reflection: Learning to Move Beyond Daily Grief

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a state of sorrow, feeling depressed. Each year -- each day – has become such a precious resource as years dwindle. Days are valuable. I feel stingy with them. I can’t afford to let them pass without bringing any growth, any learning – can’t afford to stay mired in the “same old same old.”

My first potential insight for moving beyond this sticking point was to realize that although I may still miss my Beloved dearly, I don’t have to focus on sorrow all the time. I can put that aside – choose a “grieving time.” That helped me to shift my energy.

A second insight came from a book that described grieving as the ongoing need to finish what had been left unfinished. This makes a lot of sense. I learned a long time ago that we remember unfinished business, and blithely forget that which we’ve dispatched and completed. So grieving is a selective form of remembering – remembering what we didn’t do and didn’t get a chance to say. I can share these feelings with someone else, and, having spoken them aloud and seen that they were received, I can finally see that they have reached a destination and that I no longer have to clutch them constantly, ever awaiting the moment when they can be taken up again and moved toward resolution. I can also list all the things that we did and enjoyed together -- the completed business.  There's no inherent reason to focus on the unfinished stuff and forget the great memories. 

A third insight came from a class last night on the nature of friendship. We inventoried the needs that friendship fills for us – things like belonging, acceptance, freedom, trust, hanging out, sharing laughs and good times, feeling that someone cares about us and we about them. This inventory made me realize that we need all these things, but we don’t need them in any particular configuration. No one ever provides all the friendship needs of another – we always need a number of friends so that we can experience all of these important sensations. When we grieve, we are missing some of them – perhaps many of them. I will again find people who satisfy these needs for me, but the distribution of characteristics will be different – a different set of people, different contexts and activities, a different number of individuals with whom I share the varied aspects of myself. If I try to duplicate the exact configuration that no longer exists, now that my Beloved is no longer with me, I’m programming myself for failure.

A fourth insight came from a “Daily Om” meditation inviting reflection on how gratitude for what is good in life changes over time the lineup of our feelings, shifting attention away from the negatives.

I’m sure that I’ll encounter further insights on the nature and purpose of grieving and the ways to reduce its effect on my life – without actually suppressing it. These, however, form a great starting lineup for revitalizing my experience of daily living. The first step, shifting my attention, opened the door for the rest.

It fascinates me how a small change in behavior always induces deeper shifts in myself and in others around me!

Ellen: Loving- Kindness.
These are words that Ellen wrote, with which she felt comfortable, and which she and I often said together at scary moments.  Loving-kindness meditation is a Buddhist practice that invokes loving and caring for oneself, for the people one loves and admires, for neutral people, and finally for people we dislike.  These are words for people struggling to gain equanimity in facing metastatic cancer:

May I be free from fear.

May my body be my friend.

May I be happy.

May I care for myself with compassion.



May we be free from fear.

May our bodies be our friends.

May we be happy.

May we care for ourselves with compassion.



May you be free from fear.

May your body be your friend.

May you be happy.

May you care for yourself with compassion.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Fall festival




Falconbridge Fall Fiesta October 17 2009

Rosemary: Reflections

We are preparing for our second Fall celebration as a neighborhood community. Last year, 2008, we had an “art board” with large sheets of paper, for people to draw something and post it, sharing the instant art experience with others. Amid the drawings of houses, flowers, and trees that others attempted – pictures they’d learned in the past and then used each time that they were asked to “draw something,” Ellen hand wrote and then posted what turned out to be her last poem. A neighbor, Bill, kept trying to engage her in conversation. He was teasing her, and saying things just to get a rise out of her. Finally, she shushed him, and said “I HAVE to write this poem now!”

Many of the neighbors remember Ellen’s support and creative thinking behind our growing sense of community. Although she was ill much of the time after we moved here, she made a strong impression on our neighbors and our neighborhood. She was unfailingly supportive to me in my many activities to launch a stronger sense of community. I think she was proud of me for doing this, for working to enhance life in the neighborhood.

She deeply missed Manhattan, and the sense of community she had enjoyed there. She had already mourned losing the hospital as a community base. But she still felt strongly attached to the neighbors in her building, and to the Lesbian and Gay Community Center, of which she had been a founding board member. She said that The Center had literally saved her sanity after she and Jeannine had separated and she had felt so terribly alone and marginalized.

Suburbia in the South just didn’t have the pizzazz that would have helped her to feel at home. But she understood all too well the importance of being part of a caring community, and put her energy into supporting me as I strove to help create one, knowing it would be important for me after she had died. She was right!

I reread today the poem Ellen wrote last year, and wonder that it was a year ago – yet it also feels like another lifetime. It WAS another lifetime, another energetic realm.

Now, I’m well into the process of aligning my life after Ellen. I’m trying to learn the role that we continue to play with each other in this next chapter. Ellen’s become my Muse, my inspiration, my writing partner, and although she’s no longer my life partner in this physical lifetime, our relationship continues.

When two people have been as close as we became, the one who departed is still very present in the life and awareness of the other. It’s an intriguing dynamic – how to accommodate an ongoing but otherworldly relationship as part of a life that continues visibly without one of the partners present in this reality.

People routinely say that grief will never go away. The awareness of the beloved will never go away. Is that synonymous with “grief?” I wonder. How do people find another happiness while continuing to hold and honor a previous relationship? I haven’t found anything about how people have done this, although I’m sure they have. 

Experts writing about how to handle grief always focus on moving forward, putting the past behind. They just say "You will not forget your loved one."  But how the new life actually forms while the former relationship also evolves is not something I've found yet in the literature. The "experts" obviously have a very different view about this experience than people going through it themselves.


Rosemary: Redefining October 17, 2009


Our relationship was not complete.

It was a fascinating story,

I didn’t want to put it down, though it

Seemed it ended in the middle and

Left me wanting more.

Of course it’s not complete.

This life was just one chapter –

Just one season –

The cycles go on today and then today

Full of love and growing insight.

You’ve showed me that there’s so much more

To learn en route to bliss.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Crumbling Memories


                     Ellen's birthday Jan 2008 - Eames chair



Dust to Dust October 13, 2009


Your favorite chair broke today.

Foolishly, I worry that you might be angry or upset,

But of course I'm the one upset because I’m here –

Not you, who’ve traveled far beyond.

You were a proud possessor of that chair –

An original in rosewood by famed designer Eames.

You’d bought it to console yourself ,

To symbolize your New York style

When you left Manhattan for the suburbs many years ago.

You spent a part of every day

Sitting in its elegant embrace -- right up to the day you died.

It was your special chair, your biggest prize, almost a part of you.

Today, it broke in two – just like my heart a year ago.

Piece by piece, the things you left behind,

Like all matter, slowly fall apart –

Memories that fade and crumble over time.



Ellen: Hollow Pleasure, February 1 1997


I sit in my Eames Chair,

Good Johnny Walker by my side.

Fischer-Dieskau pouring sublime Mahler

Out of extraordinary speakers.

All is comfort, pleasure –

Designed to make me feel good, satisfied, joyous.

So why a poem?

Why the need to say more?

What is missing?

 


Ellen in Eames Chair, Christmas 2000, Berkeley CA

Monday, October 12, 2009

Quiet Evening

Rosemary: Were you here?  October 12 2009

I lit a fire tonight – the first one of the year.

It was a cheerful scene –

The dancing flames, Hayden on the radio,

The dog curled up in her soft bed,

Drowsy from the heat.

I sat soaking up the comfort,

And felt at one with you alone in your beloved New York loft,

Where you told me you had done the same

While longing for companionship.

I wondered if, unseen, you’d joined me here,

Enjoying with me the kind of evening

We used to love to spend together.

Reflection

Lively music; dancing, warming flames in the fireplace – They made a cozy scene, although I need to start figuring out how to feel complete and comfortable by myself. People do that all the time. At least they say they do.

If I go back to yesterday’s thought about just being fine with what is, and letting it be, it was a time of relaxation and pleasure. I thought of a conversation I’d had earlier in the day about the way dogs and cats provide companionship and unconditional love. I’m glad that I have my animal companions. It gives me deep pleasure to have them with me. They demonstrate how to live happily and love unstintingly.




Shaman, 2006

Ellen:  Cat Notes March 15 2001


In front of the fire,

The cat lies on your lap.

She melts like a lump of butter,

Spreads out

And pours down your leg.


She lies there :

A molten puddle,

Her beauty visible

With special eyes.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Course of Study

Course of Study October 11 2009


My grandson Avery sits and pouts,

The homework sheet before him,

Asking him to write the first letter, then the last

In each pictured word.

It’s what he has to do for school,

A part of learning how to read and write.

But that’s not what interests him the most about the world.

Playing is so much more fun.



I feel as if I too have been a first grade student

During this beginning year of widowhood –

The basic course is grieving – not a voluntary choice.

The lessons have been hard – adjusting to sudden drastic changes,

Letting go old stuff, finding who I will become,

Accepting a new life, being happy by myself,

Learning about spirit, meditation, and serenity,

Rediscovering passion.

These are required courses, core curriculum –

The serious stuff that I must learn for moving on.



I could sympathize with Avery as he did his homework!

Like him, I’d much rather be at play.





Reflection

The choices are all mine. A new year approaches, as this first year alone draws to its close. What’s my vision? What’s my calling, my mission? What blueprint will I follow in the next steps I take toward becoming all I can be in this life? A New Year can start or end whenever I decide – declaring one just provides a convenient stopping place to take stock and to check my “Inner GPS”: Where am I and where am I going?



What Is October 11 2009

Resistance is my first response.

I don’t like what’s happened.

I stiffen up, drag my feet, look back with longing,

Make faces, weep, and whine.

I’m miserable, twisting like a gale-driven boat,

The towering waves of grief menacing, submerging.



Mourning is my right, perhaps my duty.

But it changes nothing.

Although the raging feelings signal my dislike and my revolt,

What is, is. It just is. It happened.

What if I just said “Yes, it is” and let it be?

Then could I rest and let new life begin?

Friday, October 9, 2009

Love As Light

Rosemary: Prayer October 9, 2009


A friend is deeply sad, distressed.

We mention praying, and the question is

Whether God exists or answers prayer.

I reflect, and realize praying

Is nothing more than sending waves of love

To reverberate with universal energy.

Love is all there is, outside of molecules of matter.

Love is pure, transcendent energy,

Expressed in light of all the colors.

Where light pervades, the darkness --

Light’s absence, love’s denial –

Must disappear – vanquished.




Reflection

It’s amazing how love works magic with us all. Feeling unloved brings despair, loneliness, sadness. A loving word, glance, or touch lights us up, like magic. When we experience a ray of love, we can even love ourselves. The amazing thing is love is always there, constant, ready. Sometimes we can’t perceive it. Clouds of doubt, hatred, disconnection, self-centeredness come between us and the love that is ours, within ourselves and within the universe. The sun is still there, shining. But we see only the darkness and feel only the menacing barometric pressure of stormy sadness, fear, and anger. Love is the universal antidote to darkness and pain of all kinds.



Ellen: BABA - R.I.P. May 21 2001

An intricately chiseled stone pagoda,

Gilded,

Some unworked places.

Inside, a golden Baby Buddha.

She rages, stamps, beats, cries

When her wishes

Do not come true.

No one ever taught her

To come in out of the rain.

She never learned

To see the monumental edifice

That she had become.





Thursday, October 8, 2009

Revelation

Swoop October 7 2009

Graceful wings widespread,

The easy glider rides on thermals.

As the current turns, so does the bird,

Leaning in and out,

A surfer on the perfect wave.

As I watch it swoop and turn,

I know that life is supposed to work like this –

No striving, no resisting, no uphill struggle –

Just gliding on love’s unseen currents –

Being in the present moment

Fully who I am.


Reflection

Swooping? No! I’ve been crawling, breathing dust rather than pure air. People say that grief takes time. They tell me “You’re not even through the first year yet.” Or “You have to honor the grieving process – for some people it can take decades.” There are expected markers and behaviors, time frames and mileposts.

But -- I can’t believe, in this loving universe, that someone’s life is destined to be filled to the brim with nothing but loss and sadness for a significant part of its length, because that person had loved someone. Love doesn’t lead to banishment, is not cause for punishment. That’s not its natural outcome. Something’s wrong with this view of grieving.

I’ve been in a state of grief before, strongly, when my close friend Rand died. I didn’t feel I could or should share my grieving with anyone. I suppressed it. Not only did I then go through a period of feeling suicidal, I also became ill with pneumonia three times in the same year, and then fell and broke my ankle! As a result of my serial illnesses, I lost my job. So I know from experience that grief has incredible emotional energy – tsunami energy. It makes no sense to try to thwart it.

But my present grief feels as if I'm going to the other extreme. There must be a middle ground, where it’s possible to honor and experience the sense of loss and still be able to live a life, to experience joy and playfulness, to become more fully oneself.

How can I find my way to swooping along the paths of loving energy, as those hawks were doing?

What is grief, anyway? It’s an emotion, like anger, fear, or joy – a perceived feeling accompanied by biochemical changes in the body. Other feelings come and go easily – one moment one feels them, and the next, they’ve been replaced by a different feeling. Grief is just sadness, the fourth emotion. It should work the same way. Single emotions are distinct notes in resonant chords, the complex tones that express our life.

Yes, I’ve experienced a dramatic life change that I didn’t choose or want.Part of me is sad and angry that I’ve lost what I wanted and loved. I’ve also lived long enough to have learned that behind what I think I want and love lies something I will learn to want and love more. To move forward, I have to let go what feels lost.
What am I actually grieving? Yes, my Bubbele, you have moved on from this plane to the next, and I’m still here. But have I actually lost you? No. You became a large part of who I am now. We’re still together – it just feels different. You're also helping me, in many ways, to move into a deeper ownership of my real self, which you taught me while you were here. I’m not actually alone at all. It just feels that way when I clutch desperately at how things were before, rather than how they are now.

Then there’s the question of anniversaries and what they really mean. If I stay totally within an earthly perspective,  time – days, months, years – seems to have enormous significance. Earth is measured in time and space. But our non-physical existence actually has no time. In spirit, time is unknown. It doesn’t compute.  A birthday or an anniversary has only earthly, physical reality.

In spirit, we are together in a different way now than we were before you passed to the next plane. There’s no fixed interval. There’s only eternity. In eternity, we’re together. Now, we only seem to be apart, momentarily. Feeling apart may be how I am experiencing our state right now. But how I experience a truth is up to me. I can see it from a different angle, and give it a different meaning. Right now, I can choose to experience love and unity – not bereavement.

Since your transition, I’ve gained a stronger sense of who I am, of the work I’m destined to complete, of how it’s now my turn to fulfill the role you and I had designed together before beginning this life. You would experience the “marginalized” role dramatically. Your gifts included the ability to experience deeply and to inspire others. We needed to know each other on earth for long enough so I could learn and understand what you gained from this experience. Then it would be my job to document and interpret our experiences for others to learn from.

There’s a real joy and fulfillment in doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s my place in the world, my individual mission, my role. I need to inhabit it and live it as effortlessly and superbly as the hawks swoop on the ever circulating currents of air.

I’ve been buried in believing that loss, loneliness, and grief have tangible reality. My beliefs have led to painful feelings. But I have not suffered a real loss. I do not have to try to replace Ellen in my life (I’d never succeed anyway!). I don’t have to rebuild a “normal” life, or make my life resemble what it was before.

 I choose to accept my life now and to swoop with its patterns, in joy and fulfillment. Ellen participates, assists, and at the same time learns and advances for her own soul’s benefit. Our love is our connection to each other. The statement I’ve often heard, that death ends a life but not a relationship seems absolutely true.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Loneliness and Celebration

Alone at Dusk October 6 2009


It’s rained all day, but now it’s stopped –

Wet streets soak in the little light remaining.

Silhouetted trees loom, crepuscular.

No creatures pierce the velvet silence with their sounds.

I walk and wonder, thinking that no matter my impression,

The trees and grass and soil swarm with living beings,

And the space with spirits -- jostling, watching, beaming –

Lively as an amphitheatre for a game.

It only seems that I’m alone out here – I with my dog.



Reflection:

Indeed, I feel alone these days. This month, I’m sandwiched between two first anniversaries of deeply emotional events with you: our marriage on September 11 and your death on November 5. Elections are approaching. Today, primaries were held for the elections scheduled in a month. You died on election night last year. I wonder if the confluence of the emotional peak of our wedding with the deep shock of your sudden death could explain why I’m now immersed in such a sense of grief and loss, even though, on many levels, I’ve put a life back together in the intervening year. The Jewish religion has some real wisdom in the creation of a memorial at the Yahrtzeit of a death -- at the first anniversary. What would be a life affirming memorial for me to create in your honor? I need to do some brainstorming, and ask for inspiration. What would you appreciate?

I was sitting in your office today, and something told me to look in a certain drawer. What I found was the following letter I wrote and gave you last year on our wedding day, which also marked our tenth anniversary of being together. It helps me to understand , at least a little, why my sense of loss is so keen. Rereading this letter, I see why it was so hard to imagine going on alone without you. I was right – it’s been hard, indeed.

We were together for 10 years. During that time, we worked together, lived together, learned and grew together, nurtured others together. It was an incredibly rich and intense time. We shared every minute, every project, every thought and wish. We actually became “Not Two Not One” -- a deeply unified couple. I celebrate the beauty of what we experienced during that time, and the fact that, knowing time was short because of age and illness, we savored every moment that we had.




To Ellen, Rosemary’s Wedding Thoughts, September 11, 2008

“As we get married today, I want to tell you again how much you mean to me, my Beloved.

I feel so fortunate that we found each other, and that we’ve had these years together – that we’ve loved and treasured each other despite our sometimes comic-relief differences. What a gift our relationship has been and continues to be! I could not have asked for a more wonderful gift of love in this life, couldn’t have dreamed of a more beautiful, loving, generous, insightful, intelligent bubbele with whom to share the moments and the days.

As you struggle to become large enough to contain the pain of this illness [metastatic cancer] and still experience love for yourself and for those around you, I struggle to imagine my life going on without your presence and spirit to complete it, to fill in the dark spaces and create our special shared beauty. We conjure up a unique, powerful energy together. We love, mentor, nurture, reach out, discover, welcome, and share, supporting others together in a way that brings joy to those around us and to ourselves as well. Experiencing this partnership with you and growing together has been such a beautiful gift.

You make my life happier, fuller, and more satisfying than it could ever be without you. You’re my spouse, my heart, my soul, my life."

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Autumn Thoughts

Extinct October 3 2009


You were my chestnut tree –

Tall, sheltering, beautiful.

I trusted you, and leaned on you.

I felt supported, loved.

You welcomed me when I came home,

Stroked my hair and held me tight

When I felt sick or scared.

I knew you’d be there --stalwart, steady –

My beloved.

Now that you’re gone,

My heart is empty, exposed, unshaded.

You’re extinct – irreplaceable.



Reflection:

I’m still, almost a year after your death, trying to piece together again a life that feels comfortable, in which I feel happy and supported. I’m fortunate. I’ve made many friends, have a loving family – both children (and grandchildren) and siblings -- have things to do and places to be, have been able to stay in the home we shared so happily, am enjoying my animal companions, have been blessed with reasonably good health. I’m also extremely fortunate to have experienced the loving relationship we built together. I'm grateful.

So what do I want? Why am I still feeling, sometimes, so bereft and lonely? Well, obviously, I don’t want to change and move on, although I’ve worked at it. And also, obviously, I’m looking more often at the physical plane, this earthly life. There is wisdom in the recurrence of pain in this life – it keeps me from digging in and just focusing on the physical, rather than on my goals – the things I need to learn and share before the big event – returning to the life of spirit.

Moments of sorrow and pain remind me to move along, to find and develop what’s real, not what’s fleeting and impermanent. I’m like a mule in some ways, requiring both carrots and sticks to keep me focused on where I’m going. This life is temporary. It’s a privilege to experience each moment on earth. And as long as I stay focused on the spirit, it brings joy. Pain comes from believing only this earthly life.



Forever October 4, 2009

I step into the perfect autumn sun,

And want it to go on and on, this one glorious day.

But I see the touch of gold among the leaves,

And know this scene is just a transitory moment.



Seasons pass like dreams,

As do all our joyous times on earth.

We yearn, we wish, we grasp with all our might –

Chasing wisps and hints of joy -- shimmering mirages.



Our world keeps changing so we don’t settle here,

Forgetting what we really seek :

The love that lies outside the body,

Beyond both time and space, infinite with Spirit.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Intensity in Youth and Old Age



Fall Flowers October 1, 2009


The flowers – red, and orange, gold and purple –

Seem to know that Fall is here.

Their wild brilliance

Suddenly erupts –

A grand finale to the season.

Fall flowers shout

The inner beauty of the plant –

Seductive, dazzling, often strange and wonderful –

Profligate parade.

In the lateness of my years,

I fantasize that I, too, may flower,

Happy in fulfillment of my gifts,

Full of passion, even as my seasons near their end.



Reflection: To Ellen:

Passion and energy were hallmarks of your life. You were powerfully present in everything you did, with everyone you knew. Your high school yearbook photo showed an intense, determined young woman. In high school, in Brooklyn, you came into your own. You had figured out how to excel, how to make your mark. During those years, and many to follow, your forceful energy propelled you to success, despite odds. You graduated Valedictorian of your class. You received many awards at graduation. You earned the overall excellence award, given to “the student with the most outstanding record in Scholarship, Character, and Service,” as well as the school’s medal for the “Highest Scholastic Average over the entire four years of high school.” You likewise received the highest awards for excellence in Athletics, Social Studies, English, Latin, and Biological and Physical Sciences, You had already become the “Renaissance Woman” that you remained all your life. You received a full four-year college scholarship. Your teachers’ glowing thoughts about you were expressed by one, in his autograph at the back of your high school yearbook: “I have had many fine students…but none more conscientious … or more intelligent.”

Even though you and I didn’t meet till late in our lives, passionate involvement and interest in many things was one of our wonderful uniting experiences. People who had known you all your life, like those who only met you in your last weeks on earth, all remember your intense interest in them, in what you were doing, in the world around you, and in the meaning of life.



Ellen’s High School Yearbook Description and Photo,



Samuel J. Tilden High School, Brooklyn NY January 1949



Growing Up Ellen

Ellen grew up in a section of Brooklyn called “Brownsville.” Today, in 2009, this is the center of crime in Brooklyn, a difficult place to visit. During the 1970s, huge swaths of houses and stores in Brownsville were torched and destroyed in widespread gang and racial warfare, to be replaced by massive “projects” – public housing complexes.

During the time Ellen was growing up, in the 1930s and 1940s, Brownsville was a densely populated, busy, mostly Jewish community. “Brownsville” is a section of Brooklyn located between the neighborhoods of East New York and Bushwick. It apparently was the only section of Brooklyn that never had its own high school. Ellen and her neighborhood friends attended Samuel J Tilden High School in Flatbush.

David Neal Miller, in the 1939 WPA Guide to New York City, added a few tidbits of information about the ethnic liveliness of Brownsville in the 1930s. He described the prevalence of Yiddish as the main language in the shops and at the open air pushcarts where goods were sold along the main street, Pitkin Avenue. The extent to which the neighborhood was dominated by Jewish immigrants at that point was highlighted in this passage:


Old World customs dominate Brownsville life. There are more than seventy orthodox synagogues; the first,… was organized in 1889. Numerous cheders, where young Jews receive instruction in orthodox traditions and customs, dot the neighborhood. On Friday night on Jewish holidays the streets of Brownsville are hushed. In all orthodox homes, after nightfall on the Sabbath eve, candles gleam, offering the only light in the room.

This was before Judaism had split into different movements. Everyone was more or less “Orthodox.” The women sat upstairs in Shul, separated from the men. You hated that! As a child of 7, you announced to your father that you did not want to attend services if you couldn’t sit in the main space with the men and boys. He did not insist that you attend.




Photo: Corner of Ralph Avenue, Brownsville, Brooklyn NY, 1930s (Source: Archive of New York Public Library)



To Ellen - Stories about Growing Up in Brownsville
You grew up in Brooklyn. People asked you where in Brooklyn, and you never really answered them. You smiled crookedly, or you said, the word ending with a question mark, “Flatbush??”

When I visited Jeannine and your childhood friend, Carol, in Florida, Carol talked several times about the teenaged activities you and she had shared in Brownsville, and told me about a book that described the Brownsville she remembered, by Elia Kazin, who also had grown up in this teeming community filled with immigrant Jewish families from Eastern Europe.

Confused, I asked “Did Ellen grow up in Brownsville?” “Yes, of course!,” replied Carol. Carol’s childhood home had been just a few blocks from your house. “She never mentioned it,” I said. Carol gave me a long hard look, shook her head, and opined, “Ellen must not have identified as Jewish!” In fact, you never said outright that you were Jewish. You always said, carefully, “I grew up in a Jewish family.”

I was intensely curious to learn why you would not have been willing to say where you were actually from, and started researching Brownsville and Brooklyn in the early parts of the 20th century.

You had told me that your family was large and close-knit, relatives always in and out, and that there were many loud, celebratory parties with singing and dancing. You remembered that boisterous intimacy with pleasure. It was your yardstick, always, of “having fun.” You also told about relatives living with each other, or joining up to share a single apartment when times got tough. Census data from 1910 and 1920 depicted the families of your maternal and paternal grandparents living in the same neighborhood, each in apartments with children, adults, grandparents, unmarried siblings, and a “cousin” or two, whose professions were listed as related to the garment trade – buttonholer, or seamstress. In 1930, your parents’ household, likewise, in addition to themselves and your brother and sister, included a couple of cousins. Your father’s trade was listed as “laundry worker.” In fact, from what you told me, he owned several dry cleaning stores, and was quite prosperous, before losing everything in the mid 1930s, plunging your family into destitution.

You remembered happily the large automobile that had been your father’s proudest possession in your early childhood, and the pleasure of taking Sunday drives and visiting Coney Island and other nearby areas beyond the city streets. During that prosperous time, your mother and siblings were able to spend summer weeks in a rented beach house at Coney Island, with your father joining the family on weekends.

You told me about shopping in stores around the corner from your house –with men sitting and chatting around the cracker and pickle barrels, as you, a small child, went up to the counter to tell the grocer your mother’s order for the day.

Once your father had lost his chain of dry cleaning stores, your family’s fortunes changed dramatically. You talked about moving often because of difficulties paying rent. Sometimes two related families would pair up in the same small apartment so that everyone would have a place to live, despite job difficulties and lack of income. Your older brother, Harvey, had a paper route and then other jobs, to contribute income to the family. On one occasion, his income bought your shoes. By the time you started school in 1938, your mother was the one working in your family, besides your brother. She was one of the “lunch ladies” at the neighborhood school cafeteria. Ashamed, you went home every day for lunch, rather than have your classmates see that your mother was serving food to them. Your father, unemployed, took care of the house, and fed you lunch.

But by working at the school, even in so menial a position, your mother was able to keep track of what was happening to you at school. In first grade, you had been put into the lowest aptitude reading group. Incensed, your mother went to see the teacher, then the principle. You already knew how to read. She informed them sternly, on your behalf, “Just because she’s disabled doesn’t mean she’s stupid! Put her in the top group! “ They complied.

Your early memories of school focused on keeping up. You already knew reading and writing at that level. Your biggest problem was getting winter outer clothing off and on in the same time frame as your schoolmates, so you wouldn’t be left behind, on arriving in school, going in and out for recess twice a day, and going home for lunch and at the end of the school day. In a cold climate, in the day of two piece snow suits and snow boots, and before the blessing of Velcro, getting dressed and undressed was a big preoccupation!

Your mother determinedly insisted that despite being one-handed, you must learn to pull your weight in the household, folding clothes, dusting around tiny, fragile tchotchkes, and learning to prepare Sabbath meals – items like chopped liver and gefiltefish. You felt her stubborn insistence on this as anger and disdain, and perceived that she hated you. However, because she made sure you learned how to do everything, even if it was difficult, you were able to move successfully through a two-handed world, despite being one-handed. You also became determined to show that you COULD do everything.

You told me proudly of the time when you were about 4 and had figured out a way to tie your shoes using just one hand. You were afraid that your mother wouldn’t appreciate what you had done, or wouldn’t believe you had done it, so you told your older brother Harvey and showed him. You asked him to tell your mother of your achievement.

This was a test you often administered to people you knew, asking them to tie their shoelaces one-handed. You wanted your friends to understand what it was like to be one-handed, and often asked people to live for a day with one hand in their pockets, using only the other, non-dominant hand. Few did, although many, like me, often tested ourselves with specific tasks, seeing what it would be like to do it with one hand. I still find myself practicing doing different tasks one-handed, because you had done them that way. The only other person besides yourself who was able to tie a shoelace one-handed was my daughter, Liessa, after we had moved to North Carolina. You were astonished when she showed you!

You worked hard throughout childhood not only to do daily tasks with one hand, but to excel at extraordinary tasks, one-handed.


Two of your childhood friends, Beverly and Carol, described you during high school:

“When I met Ellen she was a kid – we were in our teens… Sunday morning was meeting day for the kids. We played ball – gang at Prospect Park. Betsyhead Park. Set-up teams…Ellen was pretty powerful. She could knock a ball off the back walls… Ellen played pitcher, but when it was her turn to bat, everybody backed up.

She did all things to overcome her disability. She did things with one hand – she made balsa wood planes… Ellen knew more than everybody, but it didn’t make her an intellectual… She was interested in literature and had an in-depth knowledge of music, and she had a huge record collection. … Ellen was a serious person.”

You always loved classical music. Your uncles and aunts had given you many records. You also discovered the classical music stations on FM radio, and listened to them often. When your family had purchased its first television set, you were intrigued to find the FM band, unmarked, between channels 6 and 7, and enjoyed listening to that as well.

You reveled in the magnificent cultural treasures to be found across the river in Manhattan. Taking advantage of Brooklyn’s easy subway and elevated access to Manhattan, you spent every available moment immersed in the exhibits of the great New York museums. You often talked about spending whole days as a teen pretending you lived in a Japanese house that had been erected, completely furnished, among the exhibits of the Natural History museum. You felt calm and sheltered in the spare, minimalist décor of that museum house.

Although you grew up in a Brooklyn family and neighborhood, and attended Brooklyn schools through college, you were a true, cosmopolitan New Yorker.