What is Grief?

Islands December 6 2009


We had a memorial today.

We arrived, alone,

With a candle and a photo of the ones we’d lost.

We smiled greetings to each other and sat in chairs around a circle,

Each of us an island with waves of sadness lapping at our shore.

We introduced our missing person to the others,

and shared a special story.



We felt compassion; love intensified.

The precious memories that we told brightened every heart.

As we talked and listened, the distressing tide receded;

Our archipelago of islands became a solid earth;

We were no longer isolated in our grief.

Now we’d all been introduced -- those in body and in spirit –

We were friends.

By the time we rose and held hands in a circle

To offer up a prayer, we’d shared a transformation.

Our group of six, plus all the spirit selves of those we’d honored,

Were united now -- a constellation sharing love.



Reflection:

What a tremendous gift it was to have that opportunity to tell each other about the ones we’d lost and were missing this holiday season. The love of each participant was evident – the love that goes on in human hearts beyond the moment of separation by death. The minister who led the memorial opined that a big part of the sadness of grief is the love that we no longer get to express to our beloved, stuck in our hearts with no way out into the world. The moments of relief and happiness that we experienced in being able to introduce each other to our loved ones in spirit and make them see a little why we had loved these people was evidence that this is true. What an intriguing insight! What to do with it in everyday life?

In a way it was homeopathic – “like cures like.” Being able to express our love openly with others who were experiencing similar suppressed love was healing. It also made me feel closer to those others, made me feel more loving toward them. Our culture tells us we can’t talk with others about those important people who have passed, beyond a very short week or two after our loved one has entered the spirit realm. We’re supposed to “get over it,” “move on with our lives.” But love for someone doesn’t just disappear in a puff because they’ve left us for the other side. What should we do with that ongoing love?

I guess this is one reason why friends and family members we’ve shared with our loved one become more precious as time goes on – they, too, are open to reminiscing about the missing person and expressing their enjoyment and appreciation of that person. We share something deeply important with them.

One lesson to draw from this memorial service is that new friendships will grow as if fed “Instant Beanstalk Fertilizer” if we ask people to share their good memories about someone they’ve loved and lost, and then listen actively and appreciate what they have to say. We’ve all loved and lost, whether parents, children, siblings, friends, partners. We all share this experience, even though we rarely feel free to talk about it. We all long for friendship and affection, which requires that we feel some kinship with others. How would it be possible to overcome the social restrictions on sharing our experiences of love and loss with potential friends, so that the way becomes clearer for friendship to blossom?

I’m grateful to have shared this memorial service today.