Surrender

Surrender August 25 2010


Surrender, giving up,

Knowing that I can’t succeed,

Eating “ ‘Umble Pie.”

I’ve tried and tried and tried again

To be good – to seek perfection.

I’ve always thought I had to do it all myself,

To make everything work smoothly.

But then the moment’s come

When I’ve known it’s more than I can do.

If I stop the struggle, giving up.

Will I despair, thinking that’s the end?

If so, it won’t work either.

I’ll be overcome by grace, by help, and love.

I’ll be all right.

Why did I struggle so? Why have I fought again and then again?

When will I learn that surrendering my pride --accepting help--

Brings true reward? – That it’s the way my life’s supposed to be?



REFLECTION

I’m still a novice at humility, obviously. Where did I get that idea, that everything is up to me? Is it the legacy of being a conscientious oldest daughter with a sick mother? It’s so easy for me to believe I have to do everything better, faster, and smarter than anyone else. It’s like a mirage in the dessert – totally convincing that it’s real until the moment comes to try to drink from the non-existent oasis. It's a false premise. 

When I subscribe to that illusion of total responsibility for doing things perfectly,  life becomes a struggle. Surrendering this foolish image of myself and accepting that help is always at hand if I just reach out and request it brings such joy and relief. Just because I put things on my own to-do list doesn’t mean there’s any sense to judging myself against that list.

I can think of surrender as groveling in shame because I couldn’t do everything perfectly and on time according to my self-imposed expectations. Within this paradigm, I will be miserable. Or I can conceive of it as joyful acceptance – letting go into the loving help of God, which will bring joy and serenity. Which path do I choose today? And today? And today? -- The choice is always there to make, right now.