Houses

Houses February 24 2010


I look at houses, wondering which one’s right –

Which one can feel like home, like I belong in it?

Which one will feel comfortable,

Satisfying, beautiful --

A place to feel safe and happy?



My house right now is big and beautiful.

I love its elegance, its setting, nestled among trees.

It was absolutely right for both of us.

But it’s too big for me alone.

And new life calls for new surroundings.



What will make me feel at home?

A hearth, a place for music and for books,

Cheery indoor light,

Gracious lines and spaces,

Beautiful materials,

Rich accents and bright color,

Plants , Enough space for clarity and peace.



Once the house is right, then the work begins

To make a home with love and memories and laughter –

To create a place where people love to meet

And friendship thrives, and love increases every day.

Reflection

I can’t fill with my energy the very large house that Ellen and I last lived in together. I think that, to be a wonderful place to live, a house has to match energies with its inhabitants. The house that Ellen and I picked out in North Carolina matched our joined energies beautifully. But, with Ellen’s illness filling most of the time we lived there, the house has also ended up filled with sad memories of our struggle to be together happily, knowing that she would die soon, even though we didn’t know how soon. And of course, since Ellen’s death, the great emptiness left behind when her energy left has never resolved. The house still echoes with loneliness.

Now, anticipating the delight of a new life, I am starting to look for a different house within which to build anew peace, love, friendship, memories, good times, and laughter. I know I will weep when I move out of the house that belonged to Ellen and me. It will require detachment, not only from the remaining memories, but also from a lot of possessions – a huge number of which I don’t need and rarely use: time to let them go on to their best use now.

As I started the task of giving away possessions last week, I found that it helped to put on a different persona – to pretend this was someone else’s house and someone else’s stuff. I could think, “What could she possibly need that for, and that, and that over there?”

Detachment is difficult, but important. I don’t need to remain laden with stuff that makes it hard to move, hard to act; possessions that are hard to store and organize. Stuff  takes up time, energy, and money. Hanging on to stuff will keep me overly attached to the past, and I prefer to live with simplicity and agility in the present.

It’s interesting and challenging to consider what I really need to feel happy, fulfilled, and content in my surroundings. Planning to move puts me right in the middle of that consideration. I look forward to seeing the outcome. I have an appointment to look at the first houses tomorrow. I’m excited!