Autumn Thoughts

Extinct October 3 2009


You were my chestnut tree –

Tall, sheltering, beautiful.

I trusted you, and leaned on you.

I felt supported, loved.

You welcomed me when I came home,

Stroked my hair and held me tight

When I felt sick or scared.

I knew you’d be there --stalwart, steady –

My beloved.

Now that you’re gone,

My heart is empty, exposed, unshaded.

You’re extinct – irreplaceable.



Reflection:

I’m still, almost a year after your death, trying to piece together again a life that feels comfortable, in which I feel happy and supported. I’m fortunate. I’ve made many friends, have a loving family – both children (and grandchildren) and siblings -- have things to do and places to be, have been able to stay in the home we shared so happily, am enjoying my animal companions, have been blessed with reasonably good health. I’m also extremely fortunate to have experienced the loving relationship we built together. I'm grateful.

So what do I want? Why am I still feeling, sometimes, so bereft and lonely? Well, obviously, I don’t want to change and move on, although I’ve worked at it. And also, obviously, I’m looking more often at the physical plane, this earthly life. There is wisdom in the recurrence of pain in this life – it keeps me from digging in and just focusing on the physical, rather than on my goals – the things I need to learn and share before the big event – returning to the life of spirit.

Moments of sorrow and pain remind me to move along, to find and develop what’s real, not what’s fleeting and impermanent. I’m like a mule in some ways, requiring both carrots and sticks to keep me focused on where I’m going. This life is temporary. It’s a privilege to experience each moment on earth. And as long as I stay focused on the spirit, it brings joy. Pain comes from believing only this earthly life.



Forever October 4, 2009

I step into the perfect autumn sun,

And want it to go on and on, this one glorious day.

But I see the touch of gold among the leaves,

And know this scene is just a transitory moment.



Seasons pass like dreams,

As do all our joyous times on earth.

We yearn, we wish, we grasp with all our might –

Chasing wisps and hints of joy -- shimmering mirages.



Our world keeps changing so we don’t settle here,

Forgetting what we really seek :

The love that lies outside the body,

Beyond both time and space, infinite with Spirit.