Adrenaline

Home September 28 2009


We made a home together,

A place where we felt good --

Welcomed, loved, content.

I don’t know how to do that by myself.

The house feels empty.

It needs conversation, laughter, friendship,

Human energy and joy.

How many other single people

Feel lonely every night

In solitary burrows,

However grand or lovely?

How do people make a home alone?



Reflections:

Coming back to daily life after a wonderful trip seems to involve a period of deflation --- a few days of funk, of disappointment, of loneliness. It’s the contrast. I know it’s possible to get addictively “ high” on excitement and adrenaline. I’ve been susceptible to this temptation all my life. Being somewhere different every couple of days, with different people creates a sense of liveliness greater than that within my own ability to maintain as a single person.

I feel as if I’m on one of those bicycles I’ve seen in science museums. Most of the time, I’m pedaling hard, on the verge of breathlessness and fatigue. My efforts barely generate a dim, flickering light. Then I get a huge boost from outside, and for a few days, the light is brilliant, the warmth of company fulfilling. When the boost goes away, I’m back to my solitary pedaling and meager output.

I can see how people cope with loneliness and aging by travelling incessantly, to get that external boost, and feel the light and warmth more consistently. I know that my sense of letdown comes from a lack of satisfaction with who I am and what I can do on my own. Genuine happiness, in contrast, comes from loving myself, my life, my circumstances – from knowing the greater power of the divine as part of my own life, even when I’m living alone – from feeling the bliss of unity with the greater creation, defying solitary appearances. Travel and excitement, though enjoyable, aren’t the essence of a good life. They’re glittering temptations to diverge from the simple Truth that – no matter what it looks or feels like – loneliness is an illusion. I’m one ray in the spectrum of divine energy – the ultimate harmonizing light – soul-satisfying chorus of love.

And, yes, I want to go back to New York and get another adrenaline “fix”!



Entropy September 29 2009

Things fall apart; people slow down.

We live with entropy.

Ineluctably, all changes.

How to cope?

It’s a challenge of our older years,

As energy becomes more gentle, less intense.

Acceptance, laughter, helping others

Become the heart of wisdom.

Our lives, like those of children,

Focus more on our own needs –

Though, unlike children, we’ve also learned

That tomorrow or tomorrow will be soon enough.